I hear quite a few football jokes over the week. And usually post them on the football results forum.

This thread is for all jokes related to football. Post your own below, To give us all a laugh



A UTD fan nailed his season ticket to a tree in protest of Tevez and Ronaldo leaving Old Trafford this summer. I thought I´ll have a bit of that and took it, after all, you never know when you will need a nail next.



A few statements on our new 'wonderkid' Jesus aka SuSa
- I expect the fans to crucify him if he has a bad game.
- Very good on the ground but hates crosses.
- If he can feed 5000 with a couple loaves of breads and a few fish, maybe he could pay off are debts with £5.80.
- We do need a miracle.

What's the difference between C.Ronaldo and God?

Watch out for various Manc viruses that have made their way on to the internet. Details listed below:

The Man Utd Shirt Virus - Hacks & drains bank account - Hard to detect as it changes its format every 3 months.

The Man Utd Virus - Attacks PC's memory, can no longer recognize data before '93.

The Roy Keane Virus - Kicks you out of Windows.

The Alex Ferguson Virus - The PC makes a continuous whining noise, & on screen clock runs a lot slower than all other PC's in the building.

The Ryan Giggs Virus - The PC develops a processor problem whereby it thinks it's better than it actually is, also experiences dramatic fluctuations in performance.

The Dressing Room Virus - Appears when the system fails. Reboot may be dangerous.

Hate Man Utd. but could also say...

The Liverpool virus- Attacks PC's memory, can no longer recognize data after '93

Not really, As we havent won the league since 1990. So we aint got much too forget aboutanyway

Doople post

HAHA i like the bottom 1!

You could... but you'd be wrong, it was after 1990

Damn, LFC beat me to it now I know how he feels

Anyways Tom, we've won everything we could win except the premier league since 2001

Spot the difference...



Theres one for Barton, but its a bit unsuitable

What do you call Liverpool without Gerrard and Torres?

Wigan.

What do you call chelsea without Terry, Lampard, Ballack, Carvalho, Malouda, Deco, Ferreira, Drogba, Shevchenko and Anelka?

Young.

Love them! lol

Torres models Liverpools New Home strip.




Same old. Same old.


It now seems that after the MP's Expenses scandal, all red***** fans are also being investigated. Apparently 95% of them have been claiming for a second home on Merseyside.

Obsessed much?

Some revenge... :D

How is Louis Saha wearing the new kit a joke? hmm

Well if you have to ask.....

ITS A CAMP POSE.

fergie lost twice to that waiter.

Whats the point getting to a final and losing? In the FA cup, i'd rather go out in the 1st round. Saves time.

Benitez sent scouts out around the world looking for a new striker to replace Michael Owen who had gone to Newcastle.

One of the scouts informs him of a young Iraqi striker who he thinks will turn out to be a true superstar. The Liverpool manager flies to Baghdad to watch him and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to Anfield.

Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down with only 20 minutes left. The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on the field he goes. The lad is a sensation, scores 5 in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.

When the lad comes off the pitch, he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football. "Hello mum, guess what?" he says. "I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won.

Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me".

"Wonderful," says his mum. "Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters while you were having a great time!"

With this news, the young lad is very upset. "What can I say mum, except I'm so sorry".

"Sorry!" exclaims his mum. "It's your fault we all moved to Liverpool in the first place!"

^^^ HAHAHAHA







Follow Follow Follow
We're a one club city you know
Kenwright said lets go
we'll move in with tesco
So out of the city you gooooooooooooooooooooooo ooooooooooooooo!!

Q: What do Manchester fans use as birth control?
A: Their personalities.

A Liverpool fan and an Everton fan were in a car crash.
They survived, so the liverpool fan goes, let's celebrate, I have a fine bottle of wine in my car which we can toast to our health.
So the Everton fan starts drinking, and notices that the liverpool fan isn't drinking.
he asks, why aren't you drinking?
the liverpool fan goes, I think I'll just wait for the police...

"He's only 25, albeit a Nigerian 25, and so if that is his age he's still got a good few years ahead of him."

David Moyes



Edited at 09:56 Thu 25/06/09 (BST)