Okay, here we go, a fresh clean start.

The Rules are simple:

1. No racist, sexiest, offensive jokes. If you are questioning if its appropriate, don't post it.

2. Absolutely no swearing

3. All jokes must be suitable for your child, your 8 year old cousin, and your mum to read.

4. If offended by a persons joke, please do not unleash a scary attack on them, let the moderators know and we'll figure it out.

5. Please, I beg of you follow these rules

The rules are simple, yet if they are not followed this thread and the other, will have to be removed.

Get Ready

Get Set

Start your giggles!

Wel i wont waste this one then eh Sam?

A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on
the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me
a beer before it starts."

The wife sighs and gets him a beer.

Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it
starts."

She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next
to him.
He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get
me another beer, it's going to start any minute."


The wife is furious. She yells at him,

"Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in
front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob,
and furthermore . . ."

The man sighs and says, "It's started."

A man went to a health club and says "i want to be able to do the splits"

The trainer says "how flexible are you then"

The man replies "Well i can't make Thursday's"

Paddy and murphy are in a plane.

Paddy says to Murphy "If this plane turns over, will we fall out" ?

Murphy says " of course not Paddy, we've been friends for 20 years" !!!

Irish Medical Dictionary
Artery.............................. The study of paintings.

Bacteria............................ Back door to cafeteria.


Barium.............................. What doctors do when patients die.


Benign...............................What you be, after you be eight.


Caesarean Section...............A neighbourhood in Rome.


Catscan............................ Searching for Kitty.


Cauterize.......................... Made eye contact with her.


Colic................................ A sheep dog.


Coma............................... A punctuation mark.


Dilate............................... To live long.


Enema.............................. Not a friend.


Fester.............................. Quicker than someone else.


Fibula............................... A small lie.


Impotent........................... Distinguished, well known. Labour

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know? " He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."

Why did the blonde nurse take a red magic marker to work?

So she could draw blood.

Doctor Doctor I swallowed a bone.
Are you choking?
No, I really did!

Doctor, Doctor I think I need glasses
You certainly do, Sir, this is a fish and chip shop!

Doctor, Doctor my son has swallowed my pen, what should I do?
Use a pencil till I get there

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a bell?
Take these and if it doesn't help give me a ring!

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm suffering from Deja Vu!
Didn't I see you yesterday?

Doctor, Doctor I've got wind! Can you give me something?
Yes - here's a kite!

Doctor, how do I stop my nose from running?!
Stick your foot out and trip it up!

Doctor, Doctor I tend to flush a lot.
Don't worry it's just a chain reaction!

Doctor, doctor I keep thinking I'm a bee
Buzz off can't you see I'm busy?

Doctor these pills you gave me for BO...
What's wrong with them?
They keep slipping out from under my arms!

Doctor, Doctor everyone keeps throwing me in the garbage.
Don't talk rubbish!

Edited at 18:38 Wed 11/07/07 (BST)

Last night i slept like a log.

Woke up with my head in the fireplace.

Born free taxed to death.

Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first.

Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.

If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on
your pants.

1 liners

Seven Geordies have been found froze to death outside a theatre. Apparently they were waiting for a play to start called "CLOSED FOR WINTER"

Did u hear about the dyslexic Devil Worshipper? He sacrificed a chicken to SANTA

LMAO @ Them

Gordon Brown visits an Old Folks Home, whilst there he shakes hands with the residents. Then he comes to an old lady who's been looking at him quizzically. "Hello" says the P.M. "Do you know who I am?" The old lady thinks for a while and replies. "Ask Matron, she'll tell you"

What's orange and sounds like a parrot ??














A carrot !

Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea was to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked...as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow....

.....The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the US scientists for suggestions. You're going to love this......



NASA responded with a one-line memo:

"Defrost the chicken."

Whats brown and sticky?















a stick

lmao hahahahhaaha i actually really liked that stick one haha omg i'm so easily entertained

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.

The young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing, "We missed the "
R" ! , we missed the "R"

...