The Mrs phoned me today and said 'You'd better come to the hospital my mother hasnt got long to live she could be dead by sunday'

I replied 'But stoke are playing Chelsea'
She said 'Record it and watch it later'

You should of seen her face when I turned up at the hospital with a camcorder and tripod!!!

=D

A young man called Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend.

They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in
Scotland ..

Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful
consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the
right note... not too romantic and not too personal.

Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair
of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy
knickers for herself at the same time.

Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two
items, the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly got the
knickers.

Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the
following letter.


Dear Maggie,

I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we
go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have
chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which
are easier to remove).

These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed
me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly
noticed any marks.

I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even
though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub
against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed
to wash it since she began wearing them.

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt
many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you
again.

When you take them off remember to blow into them a bit because
they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.

Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming
year.

I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.

All my love,

Chris

P..S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down
with a little bit of fur showing.

Hahahaaa fair play Jun I don't like long jokes but that's an awesome joke

that joke must be forwarded to every man on the planet! LMFAO.

Kids look away...

This Couple are really feeling the effects of the recession, so the husband says to the wife "you're gonna need to start selling yourself to get us some extra cash".

The wife agrees and that evening the husband leaves his wife at a local garage. He collects her later that night and asks "how much did you make?"

She replies "14 euro and 20 cents", the husband asks "what cheapskate gave you 20 cent?" and his wife says "all of them"

LMAO

HAHA! Junster that was quality :D

I was watching the news with my wife last week "It looks like the Kaiser Chiefs were right," I said.

"Yeah, very funny," she replied. "I Predict A Riot."

I said, "No... Everyday I Love You Less And Less."

Lmao!

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This one's a real shocker..

My girlfriend was making pasta when I told her we were splitting up. I had to repeat it twice.

Then the penne dropped.

--

How do you make a tortoise fast?

Golf.

The ONLY time its acceptable for a man to hold an iron.

I desperately needed a massive dump on the train today but the toilet was out of order, so I just sat there and held it for about 20 minutes.

The woman sitting opposite looked at me in disgust and said, "Is that a poo in your hand?"

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don"t know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....
"Go get your Mother."

^^ lol

Lmfao!!!

A husband is at home watching the footy and the wife says..hunny will you fix the light bulb in the hall, its flickering.
He looks at her angrily... FIX IT NOW? Does it say SPARKY on my forehead? i dont think so.

FINE... she said.

Then the wife asks... hunny will you fix the fridge door? it wont close properly.
He replies... FIX IT NOW? Does it look like i have ELECTROLUX on my forehead? i dont think so

Fine.... she said

Could you at least fix the wooden steps leading to the front door?
He says.... FIX IT NOW?... Does it look like i have CHIPPY on my forehead? i dont think so.... ive had enough of this crap. im off to the pub.

After a few beers he was feeling real bad about the way he treated his wife and decided to go home.
When he got home.. the wooden step was fixed, the light bulb was fixed, the fridge door was fixed..
So he said.... Baby.. how did all these things get fixed?
She replied..When you left i sat outside and cried and a young man offered to do the repairs, and all i had to do was go to bed with him, or bake him a cake.
Hubby said... What kind of cake did you bake him love?

She replied.... DO YOU SEE DELIA SMITH ON MY FOREHEAD?

I DONT THINK SO