The question is: What Do Retired People Do All Day?
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Read this testimony...

" The other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a traffic warden writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the parking ticket. I called him an idiot
.
He glared at me and started writing...another ticket for having worn tyres...

So my wife called him stupid. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a ...third ticket.

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, we didn't care. We had come by bus!
We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.
It's important at our age."

heard it before but still make me smile.

thats a good 1 baff really funny lol

With you there Sarah - good one Baff

A lady looked in a mirror and said 'I look fat and ugly - give me a compliment"! The lady's husband replied 'Your eyesight is good"!

saw a blind dog having sex with a cabbge.

poor little thing must of thought it was a collie.

..........................................................................


coulnt stand up striaght when i drank lemonade the other day

i just kept getting schwepped away!!!!!!!!!!!!!

........................................................................

A Guy Walks Into A Sperm Donor Bank Wearing A Ski Mask And Holding A Gun. He Goes Up To The Nurse And Demands Her To Open The Sperm Bank Vault. She Says "but Sir, Its Just A Sperm Bank!", "i Don't Care, Open It Now!!!" He Replies. So She Opens The Door To The Vault And Inside Are All The Sperm Samples. The Guy Says "take One Of Those Sperm Samples And Drink It!", She Looks At Him "but, They Are Sperm Samples???" , "do It!". So The Nurse Sucks It Back. "that One There, Drink That One As Well.", So The Nurse Drinks That One As Well. Finally After 4 Samples The Man Takes Off His Ski Mask And Says, "see Honey - Its Not That Hard."

^^^^^^^^^^^ hahahahahahaha!!!

quality!!

How to relieve boredom and maintain insanity!

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice!
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Cheques, Write ' For Marijuana.
6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.
7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.
9. Sing Along At The Opera.
10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.
11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'
12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

Lol

I went shopping for some camouflage trousers earlier, but I couldn't find any.

i burst out laughing at number 1, done it before

Edited at 03:57 Sun 02/05/10 (BST)

Lmao Loving all of them!

With the exception of Jaaames lame attempt of being funny pfft

Stik to playing carom to make me laugh fella

Stephen Hawking is in hospital recovering from head injuries, a broken collar bone and a fractured arm.

Apparently his date last night stood him up!

100 things to annoy people

1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

2. Sing Opera whenever you can.

3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."

5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.

7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.

8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".

10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.

11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

12. Sniffle incessantly.

13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

14. Name your dog "Dog."

15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."

16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."

18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".

19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."

20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.

Edited at 00:02 Mon 03/05/10 (BST)

21. Practice making fax and modem noises.

22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.

23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."

26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."

27. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.

28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences. They think you are carrying on talking, but you stop.

29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.

31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.

32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

34. Drum on every available surface.

35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

36. Ask 0800 operators for dates.

37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.

38. Sew anti-theft detector strips into peoples backpacks.

39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.

40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

41. Set alarms for random times.

42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.

44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

45. Honk and wave to strangers.

46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.

47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.

49. Wear your pants backwards.

50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.

51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"

52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

53. only type in lowercase.

54. dont use any punctuation either

55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.

57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.

60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.

61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now."

62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.

63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."

66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.

68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."

69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.

72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.

73. Drive half a block.

74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

75. Ask people what gender they are.