Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.'
The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.
The younger alien became angry at the lack of response. The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling.

Edited at 00:26 Tue 05/01/10 (GMT)

wheres the punchline????

We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!'The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad'.'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien.. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'
The older alien leaned over, placed a feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can loop his pen is over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.

I like the burglar one

Did you ever wonder why you never see dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica?

Ever wonder where they go? Wonder no more.

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.

The penguins have a very strong community bond. They are very committed to their family and will mate for life.

They also maintain a form of compassionate contact with their offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the freshly dug grave and sing....




..."freeze a jolly good fellow"

Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife
that the doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live.
Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex.
Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.

About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says,
'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live.
Could we please do it one more time?'
Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch
and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.
He touches his wife's shoulder and asks,
'Honey, please... just one more time before I die.'
She says, 'Of course, Dear,' and they make love for the third time.
After this session, the wife rolls over and falls to sleep.

Morris, however, worried about his impending, tosses and turns,
until he's down to 4 more hours.
He taps his wife, who rouses. 'Honey, I have only 4 more hours.
Do you think we could...'
At this point the wife sits up and says, 'Listen Morris,
I have to get up in the morning....... you don't.'

haha very good

Did you hear the one about the kid who asked for a cowboy outfit for Christmas ??
His Dad got him an Arsenal kit.

What happens to an arsenal supporter's brain cells when the get old??

they die ALONE

i'm going to get a 1st in my exam today

pmsl now thats a funny joke

i wish i could put it in the "true stories" thread though! lol

Just got this one from my dad LMAO

lmaaooo i cracked up at this hahaha

I was driving down the motorway with my wife the other day and she piped up "I think those people in the car next to us are from another country." "What makes you think that?" i said. "Well the kids are writing on the window and it says, stit rouy su wohs

An army captain takes his post in Iraq.
"whats this camel doing tied up outside the barracks soldier?"
soldier replies "there are 250 men here and no women sometimes the men get urges sir"
A month later the captain has urges of his own, he puts a ladder behind the camel, gets up and has *fun* with it.
He says "is that how the men do it soldier?"
No sir! they usually ride it to the brothel"

what do you call a woman with an opinion?

A man runs over his wife. Whose fault is it?

love it

Love this one