The Official Jokes Thread
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22:28 Fri 2 Jul 10 (BST) [Link]
A man walks into an emergency room with two black eyes and a broken nose.
The doctor asks him what happened.
"Well," says the man, "I was having a nice round of golf with my wife. She sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around, I noticed that one of the cows had something protruding from its rear end. Sure enough, when it lifted its tail, there was my wife's golf ball."
"And?" asked the doctor.
"Well," the man said, "that's when I lifted the cow's tail, pointed, and yelled to the missus, 'Hey, honey - this one here looks like yours!'"
Lmaooooooooooooooooooo
The doctor asks him what happened.
"Well," says the man, "I was having a nice round of golf with my wife. She sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around, I noticed that one of the cows had something protruding from its rear end. Sure enough, when it lifted its tail, there was my wife's golf ball."
"And?" asked the doctor.
"Well," the man said, "that's when I lifted the cow's tail, pointed, and yelled to the missus, 'Hey, honey - this one here looks like yours!'"
Lmaooooooooooooooooooo
22:29 Fri 2 Jul 10 (BST) [Link]
A blonde gets a job as a teacher.
Watching the kids play she notices a boy in the field stood by himself while all the other kids are running around having fun with a ball.
She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.
"Are you ok?" she says
"Yes" he replied.
"You do know that you can go and play with the other kids", she says.
"Its best I stay here" he said.
"But why?" says the blonde.
The boys says "Because I'm the fudging goalie"
Ahjhhhhhhhahahaaaaaaa
Watching the kids play she notices a boy in the field stood by himself while all the other kids are running around having fun with a ball.
She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.
"Are you ok?" she says
"Yes" he replied.
"You do know that you can go and play with the other kids", she says.
"Its best I stay here" he said.
"But why?" says the blonde.
The boys says "Because I'm the fudging goalie"
Ahjhhhhhhhahahaaaaaaa
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22:31 Fri 2 Jul 10 (BST) [Link]
I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.
22:33 Fri 2 Jul 10 (BST) [Link]
Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day
"My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy
"Tommy," replied the second
"My Daddys an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy
Tommy replied, "My Daddys a lawyer."
"Honest?" asked Billy
"No, just the regular kind" replied Tommy.
"My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy
"Tommy," replied the second
"My Daddys an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy
Tommy replied, "My Daddys a lawyer."
"Honest?" asked Billy
"No, just the regular kind" replied Tommy.
22:35 Fri 2 Jul 10 (BST) [Link]
Airman Jones was assigned to the induction centre, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.
It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised.
Rather than asking him about this, the Captain stood at the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch.
Jones explained the basics of GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said, "If you are killed in a battle and have a GI Insurance, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. But, if you don't have a GI insurance and get killed in the battle, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000."
"Now," he concluded, "which group do YOU think they are going to send into battle first?"
L M F A O!
ima go to bed lol
It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised.
Rather than asking him about this, the Captain stood at the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch.
Jones explained the basics of GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said, "If you are killed in a battle and have a GI Insurance, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. But, if you don't have a GI insurance and get killed in the battle, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000."
"Now," he concluded, "which group do YOU think they are going to send into battle first?"
L M F A O!
ima go to bed lol
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22:36 Fri 2 Jul 10 (BST) [Link]
Derry.......these jokes are too long to be funny!!
By the time I get to the punchline I've forgotten the rest of it!
By the time I get to the punchline I've forgotten the rest of it!
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22:37 Fri 2 Jul 10 (BST) [Link]
My wife turned round earlier and said I argue like a woman.
Fine.
Fine.
22:37 Fri 2 Jul 10 (BST) [Link]
Lmfao, I will leave you with this one...
Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men.
That night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stiletto's and mask over their eyes.
After a few days they meet again.....
The engaged girlfriend: The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me with the leather bodice, 12 cm stilettos and mask. He saw me he said: "you are the woman of my life, I love you'...then we made love all night long."
The mistress: Ah! me too, the other night I met my lover in the office and I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat, when I opened the raincoat... he did not say anything.....but we made wild passionate love all night.
The married one: The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mother's for the night, I got myself ready: leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes....my husband comes back from work, opens the door and says: "Hi Batman, what's for dinner?"
Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men.
That night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stiletto's and mask over their eyes.
After a few days they meet again.....
The engaged girlfriend: The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me with the leather bodice, 12 cm stilettos and mask. He saw me he said: "you are the woman of my life, I love you'...then we made love all night long."
The mistress: Ah! me too, the other night I met my lover in the office and I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat, when I opened the raincoat... he did not say anything.....but we made wild passionate love all night.
The married one: The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mother's for the night, I got myself ready: leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes....my husband comes back from work, opens the door and says: "Hi Batman, what's for dinner?"
22:39 Fri 2 Jul 10 (BST) [Link]
Bcoz there is a story to it jim!
Yours are just like...dull and like...right =\
You have to create an illusion! its like magic! :L
Night
Yours are just like...dull and like...right =\
You have to create an illusion! its like magic! :L
Night
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22:44 Fri 2 Jul 10 (BST) [Link]
I don't want to read a story though, I want to read a joke! :L
22:46 Fri 2 Jul 10 (BST) [Link]
Okay okay, Just for you.
Why did the crab get arrested?
Bcoz it kept 'pinching' things.
Baaaah Duuum tschh
Why did the crab get arrested?
Bcoz it kept 'pinching' things.
Baaaah Duuum tschh
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22:49 Fri 2 Jul 10 (BST) [Link]
Wahay!
That's more like it!
Edited by forum moderator budweiser, at 10:47 Tue 06/07/10 (BST)
That's more like it!
Edited by forum moderator budweiser, at 10:47 Tue 06/07/10 (BST)
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07:13 Sat 3 Jul 10 (BST) [Link]
I've got a great one...
one year, Scotland actually qualified for the World Cup...
one year, Scotland actually qualified for the World Cup...
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18:58 Sun 4 Jul 10 (BST) [Link]
beckham ronaldinho and ronaldo are at the gates of heaven and st peter says to ronaldinho 'y do u think u shud got to heaven?' and ronny says 'ive entertained the world and played with a smile at all times even if it is buck toothed' and peter says' u may enter' then he asks ronaldo the same thing and ronaldo says 'ive brung joy to many and have been utterly professional despite my spitting and winking' and peter says' go to hell' and ronaldo falls through a trapdoor to hell. peter then says to beckham 'hey i spose u want ur ball back!!!' (referring to his dreadful penalty against portugal)
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11:39 Tue 6 Jul 10 (BST) [Link]
HA nice one
virt_slayer said:
beckham ronaldinho and ronaldo are at the gates of heaven and st peter says to ronaldinho 'y do u think u shud got to heaven?' and ronny says 'ive entertained the world and played with a smile at all times even if it is buck toothed' and peter says' u may enter' then he asks ronaldo the same thing and ronaldo says 'ive brung joy to many and have been utterly professional despite my spitting and winking' and peter says' go to hell' and ronaldo falls through a trapdoor to hell. peter then says to beckham 'hey i spose u want ur ball back!!!' (referring to his dreadful penalty against portugal)
HA nice one
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The Official Jokes Thread
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