A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!"

So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, "That's disgusting!"

Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting you should see him make donuts."

A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said, "I'll
have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber began to lather his face and sharpen
the old straight edge while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful
breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.
The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a
hotel room."

She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that.

The cowboy said, "Tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the
difference."
She said, "You tell him. He is the one shaving you."

Got a job with the samaritans last week. Tried to phone in sick this morning and the gets talked me out of it.

Englishman Irishman and Scotsman all discussing families. Englishman says "my son was born St Georges day so i called him george". Scotsman says "what a coincidence my son was born on St Andrews day so i called him Andrew". Irishman says "I dont believe this wait till i tell our pancake!"

Small guy sitting at the bar. Big thug walks in and hits him to the floor and says "thats a karate chop from Korea". Later thug walks up to him and hits him again and says "thats a judo chop from Japan. Small guy goes out & few mins later returns smacks him on head and knocks him out cold. He says to the barman "when he wakes up tell him thats a crowbar from B & Q!"

A mouse walks into a music shop "Excuse me can I have a mouse organ please?"

"wow you're the second mouse we've had in today asking for a mouse organ"

"aaah right, that must have been our Monica"



R

whats grey and cant swim

A castle

Ok this isn't a joke, but hey.. I thought it might raise a smile or two on peeeps faces!!

Pick Up Lines You Shouldn't Use but then again.....

1) Did you fart, cause you just blew me away.

2) My Love for you is like diarrohea ... I can't hold it in.

3) Do you have a library card, 'cause I'd like to sign you out.

4) Is there a mirror in your pants? Because I can see myself in them.

5) If you and I were Squirrels, I'd store my nuts in your hole.

6) You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

7) I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed-rock.

8) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.

9) Your eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

10) If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.

and.... the best for last!

11) Your face reminds me of a spanner, every time I think of it my nuts tighten up!

Some are funny some are not

Women are are like carpets, once its laid you can walk all over them.

The title of the thread is "GOOD JOKES only"

Snow White hears the seven dwarfs have been in a mining cave-in. She rushes to the site and shouts "IS ANYONE ALIVE". She hears a faint voice say "Newcastle United will win the Premiership". "What" she replies, again "Newcastle United will win the premiership". "Thank god for that" she says "DOPEY is still alive!"

Snow White hears the seven dwarfs have been in a mining cave-in. She rushes to the site and shouts "IS ANYONE ALIVE". She hears a faint voice say "Sunderland will stay in the Premiership". "What" she replies, again "Sunderland will stay in the Premiership" Snow White replies "Thank god for that, Dopey is still alive!"

Just lie a geordie STEALING ha ha

Yeah but come on.. that's so ridiculous... its a jokes thread therefore everything said in it "is a joke" like fastboysam posted one about a drunk, i could say " That's offensive to me because my mum is an alcoholic and you shouldn't make fun of alcoholics"

just getting beyond a "joke"...

lol i like ur joke about the doctor toontomh

sorry toon but every other joke ive told has brought a laugh so i thought id tell a random joke just to break things up a bit - sorry if it aint good enough for ya.

whats black and white and always injured

Michael Owen

I agree with you but some people dont have a sense of humour

Think i will make u a honarary MACKEM mate

im not sure if thats a compliment m8 but i hope u can stay up next season keanes doing a fantastic job. i only said that because owen left us to win trophies weve won 3 since he left us and hes won 0 lol and he never will at newcastle

what do you call a man with a spade on his head

doug

without a spade on his head

douglass