Ol' Fred had been a religious man who was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.

The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realised that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died.

He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

He opened the note, and read out loud, "Hey, you're standing on my oxygen tube?"

What is the difference between a smart blond and a UFO? A: There have been sightings of UFOs.

two cork men meet on a train.
"surely i know you" says the first, "didnt we meet in dublin 3 years ago?"

"no, iv never been to dublin", replies the second.

"neither have i" says the first, "it must have been two different fellows"
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have you heard about the corkman who became a streaker?
he ran fully clothed down a nudist beach

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a drunk corkman comes home and wonders how he will get upstairs without his wife hearing him.
he suddenly had a bright idea, he tied all the pots and pans onto a string and dragged them up the stairs after him.
"she'll never hear me with all this racket" he chuckled to himself

pmsl

lmao dec those are brill lol

have you heard about the corkman who filled his snooker table with water? he wanted a pooltable

nice jokes

hahaha some funny ones on here

a corkman stated in his will that he wanted to be buried at sea.

3 of his friends drowned digging his grave
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a man accused of murder bribed a corkman on the jury to convict him of manslaughter.

after the trial, the man said to the corkman "how did you do it, im forever in your debt"

"i had a hard job", he replied, "the other 11 wanted to acquit you"

What did Old Trafford say to Anfield?

How do you communicate with fish?
You drop them in a line!

After 18 years together my missus still gets upset if i use her toothbrush..If you know a better way to get dog crap out of trainers,im all ears!!

Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife
that the doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live.
Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex.
Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.

About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says,
'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live.
Could we please do it one more time?'
Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch
and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.
He touches his wife's shoulder and asks,
'Honey, please... just one more time before I die.'
She says, 'Of course, Dear,' and they make love for the third time.
After this session, the wife rolls over and falls to sleep.

Morris, however, worried about his impending, tosses and turns,
until he's down to 4 more hours.
He taps his wife, who rouses. 'Honey, I have only 4 more hours.
Do you think we could...'
At this point the wife sits up and says, 'Listen Morris,
I have to get up in the morning....... you don't.'

A husband and wife are driving from Vegas to Denver.
After 10hours on the road they decide to stop for a rest at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for 4hrs and then get back on the road.
When they check out 4hrs later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $450.
The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $450...
When the clerk tells him $450 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic pool and a huge conference centre that were available for the husband and wife to use.
'But we didn't use them,' the man complains
'Well, they are here, and you could have,' explains the Manager. He tells them they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous.
'But we didn't go to any of those shows complains the man again.
'Well, we have them, and you could have'
No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, the man replies, 'But we didn't use it!'
The Manager is unmoved and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a cheque and gives it to the manager.
The Manager is surprised:
'But sir,' he says, 'this cheque is only made out for $50.00.'
'That's correct,' says the man. 'I charged you $400 for sleeping with my wife.'
'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager.
'Well, too bad, she was here and you could have!'

loooooooooooooooool that second 1 was brilliant!!!!!!!!!

that was good baff

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!

Chris: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - £500,000 and one lifeline left -- phone a friend.

The next question will give you the top prize of One Million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to £32,000 -- are you ready?"

Barbara: "Sure, I'll have a go!"

Chris: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest?

Is it........

A-Robin

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush

Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million pounds."

"I think I know it..but I'm not 100%...

No, I haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend Regis, just to be sure.

Chris: "Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?

Barbara: "I'll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham."

(ringing)

Maggie (also a blonde): "Hello..."

Crris: "Hello Maggie, its Regis here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on £500,000, but needs your help to be a Milliona.

The next voice you hear will be Barbara's and she'll read you the question.

There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer -- fire away Barbara."

Barbara: "Maggie, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it:

A-Robin

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush"

Maggie: "Oh Gees, Barbara that's simple.....It's a Cuckoo."

Barbara: "You think?"

Maggie: "I'm sure."

Barbara: " Thanks Maggie." (hangs up)

Chris: "Well, do you want to stick on £500,000 or play

continued

Chris: "Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?"

Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo"

Chris: "Is that your final answer?"

Barbara: "It is."

Chris: "Are you confident?"

Barbara: "Yes fairly, Maggie's a sound bet."

Chris: "Barbara.....you had £500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo ...you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION POUNDS.

Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."

(clapping)

That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and brings her down to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne, Barbara turns to Maggie and asks "Tell me Maggie, How in God's name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?

Maggie: "Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock."

English ventriloquist is visiting Wales,he walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun.

Ventriloquist: "Alright mate? Good looking dog, mind if I speak to him?"

Welshman: "The dog doesn't talk, you fool."

Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"

Dog: "Doin' all right."

Welshman: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the Welshman)

Dog: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

Welshman: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Welshman: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."

Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool"

Welshman: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the Welshman)

Horse: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."

Welshman: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Welshman: "Before you start, The sheep's a bloody liar!"

Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
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Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."
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A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts.
T-he shrink says, Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
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I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
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I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
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My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
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A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
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I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
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