The Official Jokes Thread
Viewing forum thread.
Back to Fun and Games.
Back to Forum List.
Deleted User
(IP Logged)
(IP Logged)
12:22 Sun 30 Mar 08 (BST) [Link] thatsss class
virtuoso107 said:
Six guys are playing poker. After losing $500 on one hand, Smith clutches his chest and topples over, dead at the table. To decide who's going to tell his wife, his buddies draw straws. Anderson picks the short one. "Break it to her gently," they all urge. "Leave it to me," he says. When Smith's wife comes to the door, Anderson says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards." "How much?" the wife yells, eyes blazing. "Tell him to drop dead!"
A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for the food." The panda yells back, "Hey, man, I'm a panda. Look it up!" The bartender opens his dictionary to panda: "A tree-climbing mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."
A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for the food." The panda yells back, "Hey, man, I'm a panda. Look it up!" The bartender opens his dictionary to panda: "A tree-climbing mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."
Deleted User
(IP Logged)
(IP Logged)
17:27 Fri 11 Apr 08 (BST) [Link]
wow forgot about this thread...
Things to ponder..
If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
What did cured ham actually have?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
and the biggest thing to ponder...
Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
Things to ponder..
If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
What did cured ham actually have?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
and the biggest thing to ponder...
Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
14:24 Sat 12 Apr 08 (BST) [Link]
Three scots and three englishmen are traveling by train to a football match.
At the station, the three englishmen each buy tickets and watch as the three scots buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three Englanders.
"Watch and you'll see," answers one of the Scotsmen.
They all board the train. The Englishmen take their respective seats but all three scotsmen cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the tolet door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The English saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the match, the Englishmen decide to copy the Scots on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Scots don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed Englishman.
"Watch and you'll see," says one of the Scotsmen. When they board the train the three Scots cram into a toilet and the three Englishmen cram into another one nearby.
The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Scots leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Englishmen are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
At the station, the three englishmen each buy tickets and watch as the three scots buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three Englanders.
"Watch and you'll see," answers one of the Scotsmen.
They all board the train. The Englishmen take their respective seats but all three scotsmen cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the tolet door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The English saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the match, the Englishmen decide to copy the Scots on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Scots don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed Englishman.
"Watch and you'll see," says one of the Scotsmen. When they board the train the three Scots cram into a toilet and the three Englishmen cram into another one nearby.
The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Scots leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Englishmen are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
Deleted User
(IP Logged)
(IP Logged)
04:11 Sun 4 May 08 (BST) [Link]
paddy storms into the job centre and shouts at the receptionist "i've been ringing 08001730 for two days without any success". receptionist says "did u get that number of the front door sir". Paddy "yes", receptionist " thats our opening hours you thick get!!"
06:17 Sun 4 May 08 (BST) [Link]
Our local drugstore was robbed of 500 bottles of Viagra.
The suspect is known to be a hardened criminal!
The suspect is known to be a hardened criminal!
06:21 Sun 4 May 08 (BST) [Link]
No need for that yanno
LMAO
ste_efc said:
This is a joke thread right?
well..
Paula!!
well..
Paula!!
No need for that yanno
LMAO
Deleted User
(IP Logged)
(IP Logged)
09:05 Tue 20 May 08 (BST) [Link]
lmao
safc_1973 said:
gerry storms into the job centre and shouts at the receptionist "i've been ringing 08001730 for two days without any success". receptionist says "did u get that number of the front door sir". gerry "yes", receptionist " thats our opening hours you thick get!!"
lmao
17:23 Tue 20 May 08 (BST) [Link]
A charity pantomime in aid of Paranoid Schizophrenics and homosexuals descended into chaos yesterday, when someone shouted,
"He's behind you!"
"He's behind you!"
Deleted User
(IP Logged)
(IP Logged)
09:28 Fri 23 May 08 (BST) [Link]
BREAKING NEWS:- The Austrian Josef Fritzel has been given the death penalty, the only thing keeping his spirits up is that its John Terry who is taking it
17:58 Sun 25 May 08 (BST) [Link]
A man suspecting his wife was seeing another man hired a famous Chinese detective named Chen Lee. Chen Lee was hired to watch and report any activities while the husband was gone.
A few days later the husband received this report :
Most honourable Sir
You leave house
I watch house
He come to house, I watch
He and she leave house, I follow
He and she go to hotel, I climb tree
I look in window
He kiss she, she kiss he
He strip she, she strip he
He play with she, she play with he
I play with me, I fall off tree
I not see
No fee
Chen Lee
A few days later the husband received this report :
Most honourable Sir
You leave house
I watch house
He come to house, I watch
He and she leave house, I follow
He and she go to hotel, I climb tree
I look in window
He kiss she, she kiss he
He strip she, she strip he
He play with she, she play with he
I play with me, I fall off tree
I not see
No fee
Chen Lee
Deleted User
(IP Logged)
(IP Logged)
06:31 Thu 29 May 08 (BST) [Link]
Lmao
safc_1973 said:
BREAKING NEWS:- The Austrian Josef Fritzel has been given the death penalty, the only thing keeping his spirits up is that its John Terry who is taking it
Lmao
Deleted User
(IP Logged)
(IP Logged)
14:13 Thu 29 May 08 (BST) [Link]
lmao that joke is awesome
mrmagic said:
A man suspecting his wife was seeing another man hired a famous Chinese detective named Chen Lee. Chen Lee was hired to watch and report any activities while the husband was gone.
A few days later the husband received this report :
Most honourable Sir
You leave house
I watch house
He come to house, I watch
He and she leave house, I follow
He and she go to hotel, I climb tree
I look in window
He kiss she, she kiss he
He strip she, she strip he
He play with she, she play with he
I play with me, I fall off tree
I not see
No fee
Chen Lee
A few days later the husband received this report :
Most honourable Sir
You leave house
I watch house
He come to house, I watch
He and she leave house, I follow
He and she go to hotel, I climb tree
I look in window
He kiss she, she kiss he
He strip she, she strip he
He play with she, she play with he
I play with me, I fall off tree
I not see
No fee
Chen Lee
lmao that joke is awesome
Deleted User
(IP Logged)
(IP Logged)
15:55 Sat 31 May 08 (BST) [Link]
what did hitler say to his army before they got into their tanks.
men,get in yer tanks!
men,get in yer tanks!
Deleted User
(IP Logged)
(IP Logged)
15:55 Sat 31 May 08 (BST) [Link]
a farmer and his wife are lying in bed a 3am and theres a knock at the door.
Farmer - "whos the hell is it at this time"
wife - " u better go down and answer it"
farmer opens the door thers a guy standing drenched
Random guy - here mate can u come out and give me a push
farmer - what? its 3oclock in the flipping morning so bog off!!
so he goes back to his bed
wife - who was that at the door
farmer - some guy wanting a push a told him where to go
wife - remember 2 months ago wen we broke down the random guy gave us a push wen he didnt have 2
farmer - i suppose i should help the guy
so the farmer goes down to the door opens it , its pitch black outside
farmer - mate wher are ya ??
guy - im on the swing mate
Farmer - "whos the hell is it at this time"
wife - " u better go down and answer it"
farmer opens the door thers a guy standing drenched
Random guy - here mate can u come out and give me a push
farmer - what? its 3oclock in the flipping morning so bog off!!
so he goes back to his bed
wife - who was that at the door
farmer - some guy wanting a push a told him where to go
wife - remember 2 months ago wen we broke down the random guy gave us a push wen he didnt have 2
farmer - i suppose i should help the guy
so the farmer goes down to the door opens it , its pitch black outside
farmer - mate wher are ya ??
guy - im on the swing mate
Deleted User
(IP Logged)
(IP Logged)
15:56 Sat 31 May 08 (BST) [Link]
how many golfers does it take to change a lightbulb?
FORE!
Two goldfish in a tank... one says to the other... "how d'ya drive this thing?"
FORE!
Two goldfish in a tank... one says to the other... "how d'ya drive this thing?"
Deleted User
(IP Logged)
(IP Logged)
17:11 Sat 31 May 08 (BST) [Link]
Couldn't stop laughing at that one LMAO!
stella_man said:
Have you heard about the Irish Humpty Dumpty??
The wall fell on him
The wall fell on him
Couldn't stop laughing at that one LMAO!
| Unable to post | |
|---|---|
| Reason: | You must log in before you can post |
The Official Jokes Thread
Back to Top of this Page
Back to Fun and Games.
Back to Forum List.