lmaoooo

thats well good lmao

I married Miss Right .... shame I didn't realise her first name was Always

Edited at 13:32 Sat 28/06/08 (BST)

Why was the blonde excited?

Because she finished a jigsaw in 6 months that said 2-4 years on the box

Lmao classic

A man receives a phone call from his doctor.
The doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news."
The man says, "OK, give me the good news first."
The doctor says, "The good news is, you have 24 hours to live."
The man replies, "Oh no! If that's the good news, then what's the bad news?"
The doctor says, "The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday."


or

A: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?
B: It's a girl. She's my daughter.
A: Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know that you were her father.
B: I'm not. I'm her mother.


or


A snail walks into a bar and the barman tells him there's a strict policy about having snails in the bar and so kicks him out. A year later the same snail re-enters the bar and asks the barman "What did you do that for?" lol

all funny excluding the last lol

this is an old one but still kinda funny.

a blonde and a redhead fall off a building.
who hits the floor first?

the redhead because the blonde stops o ask for directions.

A man asked his doctor if he thought he'd live to be a hundred.

The doctor asked the man, "Do you smoke or drink?"

"No," he replied, "I've never done either."

"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women?" inquired the doctor.

"No, I've never done any of those things either."

"Well then," said the doctor, "what do you want to live to be a hundred for?"

Why did God create man first?

So he wouldn't have to be told how to do it.

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball. Seeing no one around that it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.

Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change.

A girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts. "What's that?" she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust.

"Tennis ball," came the breathless reply.

"Oh," said the girl sympathetically, "that must be painful. I had tennis elbow once."

This one came up on joke of the day and made me laugh....if only

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves.
The lad asked, "What is this, father?"

The father, having never seen an elevator, responded, "I have no idea what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.

The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."

Picard: (tugs on tunic and turns to Data) Data, the ships stores do not seem to be able to provide garments that fit properly. Could you investigate this and find a solution.
Data: Aye, sir. Perhaps there is some useful information in my historical records. Accessing. (some milliseconds later) I have found a reference to a device called a Singer. It was used to join segments of textiles with a mechanical needle and thread. I believe this device can be used to make properly fitted garments.
Picard: Excellent, Mr. Data. Make it sew!

Wife moans to her Husband....

"You never take me anywhere expensive anymore" ?

He said "Right get your coat on"!

She said "Why? Where are you taking me"?

He said " To the bloody Petrol Station" !!

OMG this is hillarious, it was sum 1's reaction to the olympics bein awarded to london: http://nl.youtube.com/watch?v=Hqk1rxTscVQ&watch_response *Bang* GET IN!!

Edited at 18:45 Fri 15/08/08 (BST)

A snail walks into a bar and has a fight will a local resulting in him getting kicked out

A year later the snail walks into the bar and says "what was that for"

Heres a gd joke: Macky93 is a good player

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."

A long silence was broken at last by a shaken little voice saying, "The big sissy."

my brother was such an ugly baby that when he was born the doctor slapped his face