The Official Jokes Thread
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11:00 Thu 19 Feb 09 (GMT) [Link]
Thirteen year old Alfie Patten who recently became a father has joined 'fathers 4 Justice', he said 'I dont really understand the politics, but I am well chuffed with the spiderman costume'
18:36 Mon 9 Mar 09 (GMT) [Link]
lmao bud ill have to use that one
buddytobud said:
An oldie but goodie
A policeman pulls a driver over for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow into a breathalyzer.
"I can't do that, officer, I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube."
"OK, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station."
"Can't do that either, officer. I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup."
"Alright, we could get a blood sample."
"Can't do that either, officer. I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood, I could die."
"Fine then, just walk this white line."
"Can't do that either, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."
A policeman pulls a driver over for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow into a breathalyzer.
"I can't do that, officer, I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube."
"OK, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station."
"Can't do that either, officer. I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup."
"Alright, we could get a blood sample."
"Can't do that either, officer. I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood, I could die."
"Fine then, just walk this white line."
"Can't do that either, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."
lmao bud ill have to use that one
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13:59 Tue 10 Mar 09 (GMT) [Link]
Sorry if this in inappropiate or too 'naughty' but here goes...
Why wouldn't you wanna be an egg?
Because you only get smashed once, laid once and the only bird that will sit on you is your Mum.
Why wouldn't you wanna be an egg?
Because you only get smashed once, laid once and the only bird that will sit on you is your Mum.
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10:33 Wed 11 Mar 09 (GMT) [Link]
a blonde was caught speeding down the motorway
she gets pulled over and asked for her licence
she says ' whats wrong with you guys yesterday you took my licence and now you want me to show you it '
she gets pulled over and asked for her licence
she says ' whats wrong with you guys yesterday you took my licence and now you want me to show you it '
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13:58 Wed 11 Mar 09 (GMT) [Link]
Lol
After God created Adam, and Adam had been in the Garden for a really long time, he started to get a little lonely. So, Adam went to God and said, "This Garden is amazing, but I'm starting to get a little lonely; is there anyone that you can send to keep me company?"
God answered, "I have the perfect person. She will help you with almost everything. She'll clean, cook, wash you clothes, be your friend, and even rub your feet after a long day. She really is perfect in every way!"
Adam said, "That sounds great! How soon can you send her?"
God replied again, "I can send her right away, but there is one thing ... it's going to cost you an arm and a leg to get her."
Adam thought for a moment, and then said, "What can I get for a rib?"
After God created Adam, and Adam had been in the Garden for a really long time, he started to get a little lonely. So, Adam went to God and said, "This Garden is amazing, but I'm starting to get a little lonely; is there anyone that you can send to keep me company?"
God answered, "I have the perfect person. She will help you with almost everything. She'll clean, cook, wash you clothes, be your friend, and even rub your feet after a long day. She really is perfect in every way!"
Adam said, "That sounds great! How soon can you send her?"
God replied again, "I can send her right away, but there is one thing ... it's going to cost you an arm and a leg to get her."
Adam thought for a moment, and then said, "What can I get for a rib?"
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17:19 Wed 11 Mar 09 (GMT) [Link]
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson sitting in the living room. Watson turns round to Holmes and says " Holmes for years i have wanted to make love to u ", Holmes replies " Watson i have waited for u to say that, but first u need to get the curd from the fridge!!! ". " Curd holmes, whatever for " says Watson. " LEMONENTRY dear Watson, LEMONENTRY !!!"
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18:45 Wed 11 Mar 09 (GMT) [Link]
Why does Karl Marx drink earl grey?
He doesn't like propper-tea
Edited at 00:48 Thu 12/03/09 (GMT)
He doesn't like propper-tea
Edited at 00:48 Thu 12/03/09 (GMT)
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20:21 Thu 30 Apr 09 (BST) [Link]
what do you call jade goodey in a wedding dress
a shuttlecock
a shuttlecock
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20:24 Thu 30 Apr 09 (BST) [Link]
priest books int hotel and say to woman on front desk i hope the porn channel on the tv is disabled woman says no u sick perv it regular porn
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10:59 Fri 1 May 09 (BST) [Link]
What do you call a load of mushrooms having a laugh
FUN GUYS!!!
FUN GUYS!!!
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11:23 Fri 1 May 09 (BST) [Link]
I think thats absalutely disgusting auntie.
Never pollute forums with obscene and insensitive jokes like that again please.
Never pollute forums with obscene and insensitive jokes like that again please.
11:25 Fri 1 May 09 (BST) [Link]
LMAO @ FUN GUYS!! hahaha
alexo said:
I think thats absalutely disgusting auntie.
Never pollute forums with obscene and insensitive jokes like that again please.
Never pollute forums with obscene and insensitive jokes like that again please.
LMAO @ FUN GUYS!! hahaha
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11:28 Fri 1 May 09 (BST) [Link]
I went to visit my G.P. because I thought I had Swine Flu.
Bloke gets a phone-call from his wife...
"I'm at the petrol station and I'm scared to get out of the car because I heard on the radio that they have that Swine Flu here"
I found these elsewhere
Turned out, it was just some crackling in my ear.
Bloke gets a phone-call from his wife...
"I'm at the petrol station and I'm scared to get out of the car because I heard on the radio that they have that Swine Flu here"
"Mexico, not Texaco!!"
I found these elsewhere
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11:31 Fri 1 May 09 (BST) [Link]
Knowledge and Wisdom...
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.
Wisdom is not putting tomato in your fruit salad.
why do men get excited when they smell a woman in leather ?
it reminds them of the smell of a new golf bag
I could go on for hours lol
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.
Wisdom is not putting tomato in your fruit salad.
why do men get excited when they smell a woman in leather ?
it reminds them of the smell of a new golf bag
I could go on for hours lol
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11:35 Fri 1 May 09 (BST) [Link]
It has been announced that British Summer Time will from now on be phased in. Instead of adding an whole hour in one go, five minutes will be added to Man Utd games where they need a late goal.
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11:38 Fri 1 May 09 (BST) [Link]
A man is cupping his hand to scoop water from a Highland burn.
A Gamekeeper shouts,
'Dinnae drink tha waater! Et's foo ae coo's sheet an pish!'
The man replies,
'My Good fellow, I'm from England . Could you repeat that in English for me.'
The keeper replies,
'I said, use two hands - you spill less that way!!!
Ok im done they are all clean ones i can find atm lol
A Gamekeeper shouts,
'Dinnae drink tha waater! Et's foo ae coo's sheet an pish!'
The man replies,
'My Good fellow, I'm from England . Could you repeat that in English for me.'
The keeper replies,
'I said, use two hands - you spill less that way!!!
Ok im done they are all clean ones i can find atm lol
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The Official Jokes Thread
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