My wife said " I need some more Botox"

Husband Replies " Why, i asked, "," What's up with the fat ones you are sat on"

BBC NEWS 24

News Flash : "Two pedestrians die in collision"

Jeeessss, " How fast must they have been walking"

lol

Just found out, my Aunt has dementia,

Good news, i should be grateful for the £50 i get for my birthday, once a week. lol

Paddy was sat at the bar, getting drunk, trying to work out, how he only has 3 brothers and his sister has 4

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, there's a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says "What the hell was that all about?"

my wife just rang to say gavin from autoglass has just been and injected his resin into her crack.im not normally suspiciuos,but ive got the car!!!

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pmsl hahahah j_d

lmao good 1 jack

jim and edna are two mental patients.one day jim jumps into the swimming pool and starts to drowned,edna jumps in and saves him.
the next day the director of the hospital calls edna in his office and says to edna:i have good and bad news.the good news is you saved someones life,so that proves to me your sane,your free to leave.............the bad news is jim hung himself last night in the bathroom!!

she replies:but thats were i left him to dry

not the best but still

FOR SALE----complete set of encyclopaedias,45 volumes,exelent condition! £1000 o.n.o,no longer needed,got married and the wife knows f_____ everything!!

I was watching The X Factor and I have to say I was devastated by Cheryl Cole's decision...

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

PMSL

I walked past some joggers in the park today.

They weren't very fast.

Me and my missus had a 34.5 earlier.

It was meant to be a 69 but I couldn't be bothered doing her.

I've just published a book on DIY.

It's blank and comes with a free pen.

I went to a Halloween disco for under 16s.

I told everyone that I came dressed as an old man.

I lied.

I was driving to work today and saw a woman driving down the road with her hazard lights on.

At least she's honest.

Lmao