There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig. "Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears. "Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying".

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?"

this bird rang me the other day and said" come round ....theres nobody home", i went round, there was nobody home!

Paddy gets a letter in the morning post and it lands on the floor. It says on the envelope....DO NOT BEND. Hes still wondering how the hell hes gonna pick it up

a duck walks into a chip shop and says "ya got any bananas?"
The man there says "no , we dont sell bananas , we're a chip shop."
DAY 2
The duck walks into the same chip shop and says " hi, you got any bananas?"
The man says "No we haven't , as i said yesterday, we're a chip shop."
DAY 3
That same duck walks into the same chip shop and says ". you got any bananas?"
The man says "NO we don't sell bananas! If you come and ask for bananas again I'll nail your beak to the counter!"
DAY 4
That same darn duck walks into that chippy again and asks " You got any nails?"
The bloke says "No, we dont sell nails, we're a chip shop."
So the duck says "Good, you got any bananas?"

Haha like that ; )

What football team do they support on Corrie?

Was at the disco last night. They played "Jump", so i jumped, they played "The Twist", so i twisted, they played "Cum on Eileen", I got kicked out after that

Why is it hard to argue with a unicorn?

i took the shell off a snail the other day, you would think it would make it faster, but if anything, it made it more sluggish

Calar

dan

haha

Got to say I didn't find either of these funny.

Billy was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the
children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical
answers came out, fireman, policeman, salesman, chippy, captain of
industry etc, but Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet
and so the teacher asked him about his father.
"My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his
clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really
good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them
sleep with him."
The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took
little Billy aside to ask him if that was really true.
"No" said Billy, "He plays cricket for Australia but I was just too
embarrassed to say."

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

that is fantastic!!!!

especially to us kiwis

"How depressing, it's so cold and grey," said the wife.

"Well, it is January," I replied... then I noticed the dead elephant lying in our front room.



I finally got my own back for Christmas shopping: I took my girlfriend into eight different pubs without getting a drink and then went back into the first one and bought a pint.

Someone has been on Sickipedia

Read them ones on me phone

Ive just pmsl @ that!

Damn !

This January sales lark is doing my head in...
Went to Boots. they dont sell Boots
Went to Currys, they dont sell Curry
Went to Selfridges, they dont sell fridges

As for that virgin Mega store....

What a let down that was